Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
