Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I think I am morally bankrupt
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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