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I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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