i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I cut my penus on the lid.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
did you just send me my own nude
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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