i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Its about making memories worth repressing
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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