Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
