I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
