Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
