I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish I only lived at night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
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woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
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And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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