I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
