The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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