you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
