I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
