So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
