Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
