I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We're using joints as your birthday candles
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
