I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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