apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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