Life is so much better after having sex.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
pop tarts are not kleenex
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
