Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
