Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
