Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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