one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
