it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
