Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
