it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
