The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
