Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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