i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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