There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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