remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
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I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
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i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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