I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
