first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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