you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
