Yo dont text me then not text me
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
