just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
