Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
