Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
