You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
