you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
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No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?