you would pick up someone in the library
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
