Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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