Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
