chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
