guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
