96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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