I just threw up on my dentist
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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