I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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