I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
