Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
