dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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