You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
