So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
