ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
