I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
