There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You were trust falling into bushes
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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