well I can't set my house on fire every night
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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